His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
