I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
