I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
