my phone needs a breathalizer
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
