in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Houston, we have a blender
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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