I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
