Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
