his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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