wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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