I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
