did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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