If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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