Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize