I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
