How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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