if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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