Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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