There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Alive.
So much puke
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
