she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
