That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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