sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
