Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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