Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
