Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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