jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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