One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
