I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
