I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
