why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
