youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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