Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
