I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
