I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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