My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
