Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
