SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
