Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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