it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
