Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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