i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's shark week go big or go home
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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