he shaved USA in his pubs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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