Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
