we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
