the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i drank out of a bidet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
