alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
