Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
