How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
