I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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