Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
