just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize