When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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