I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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