I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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