Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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