Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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