She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
